today's a bad day... dread the module... dislike the faci... and i lost something precious to me... my first gift from him and marked the day we got together... it's a sign... a very bad sign and i'm not liking it... =(

how could the ring that was keeping the strap and the heart just break and it didn't even left the heart behind... it's all so bad... and because of that i started crying... nothing else would be able to replace it... i want my heart thingy back... =(

he finally spend time with me today... and i wished it never ends... i'll never know when i'll have such a time again... time spent with him is so minimal seriously... constantly i have to keep trying to get him to know that i'm there... sometimes i tired of getting attention... i just wanna be noticed... i don't mean literally... but rather in his mind... yes... this is another emo entry... cos i'm feeling damn sad... i'm trying so hard to spend as much time together with him before he enters army and i go into uni if i can... cos i know that there'll be no time for us by then... but it seems like i'm already getting that... all these while i've been trying and waiting and hoping that he'll notice that he never had time for me unless he goes school... but he didn't... till i told him a few days back... now he'll spend time with me... but i know it'll be shortlived... after a week or so it'll be the same thing again... he'll spend more time with non living things or other things or other people than with me... and i'm so tired of asking him to pay attention to me... why do i have to work so hard to gain attention from him all the time? who am i really to him... aye... i'm so confused... and tired... see... the bad sign... so it's been happening all the while... the lost of the heart he gave me meant that i'm tired of trying to get attention... i'm tired of waiting to be noticed... i'm just tired... so very tired... help me out here will you? aye... i can't stop crying... i think i've reached my limit of bottling things inside me... reached the limit of feeling so alone all the time... reached the limit of being neglected by him... i'm so pathetic now...

go away... i just need you to know that i exist and not someone that you can just chuck aside whenever you feel like it... i don't want any more space... i want time made for me.. i'm crumbling... can't you tell... ="(

there's many things stuck in me that wanna be said out... especially to him... but i can't say it out... cos it only makes things worse... i'm struggling to keep myself top form now before this saturday... but i realize... i'm crumbling... i can't take it anymore... things just gets worse every minute... no other conversation can be started other than arguing... i'm so tired... and frustrated.. and hurt... yet he doesn't get it... where is he when i really need someone to lean on? i can't be by myself any longer...

i'm rude sometimes... i know it... i have things on my mind... don't i have the right to let it out? aren't boyfriends supposed to be there to let you vent your frustration and understand and not take it to heart? this saturday's already pressuring me... can't he understand that? yet things just gets worse... and now... he just talks work... nothing more... just cos i gave him a stupid deal to draw the line when i was very pissed off... it's my bad... and he knows it... and he's not doing anything to help make me feel better... maybe we really do need to cool off... not see each other besides project... maybe that way... he'll feel so much better and i've got to learn to deal with it...

i just wanna be the real me in front of him... yet it's the wrong thing to do...

i'm sad cos he just left me like that...
i'm angry cos he just left me like that...
i'm not happy cos he just left me like that...
basically... i'm just feeling sad angry and unhappy cos he just left me like that...
on the bus... he just walked away... didn't care if i got down in time....
in the lift... he just walked and not talk to me at all or even hold me...
i'm an unhappy girl...
everything's bad the moment i woke up today...
today just sucks... and now... he's ignoring me... and i'm not gonna give in... it took me a very long while to convince myself to make peace with him... i was conflicting within myself if i should make peace... and when i decided to make peace... he came and crushed it... so now... i'm not talking... cos i don't want to be conflicting with myself...


it's funny... once i've got a boyfriend... this blog's about me and him and how unhappy i am whenever we are quarreling which seems to be all the time... i hate boyfriends... they mess me up... the worse part... when they are your project mates... you can't treat them as project mates... they must still be boyfriends... even if they do retarded things... even if they piss the shit out of you when we're doing the project... i've got to endure... endure and endure... cos if i blow up.. i'm being rude... i'm being this and being that and all those negative thing... argh!!!!! boys sucks... especially those that you love... argh!!!!!!!!!! i'm fed up... i'm not being appreciated... like hello... i did the whole poster by myself... with a little help from another team mate of mine... the least you can do is just do your homework and understand your stuff... instead of just gaming... and understanding only minimal... and read what you've written in your log book sometimes... it helps on asking the same question over and over again... it just proves you copy those stuff without knowing what you are writing... at this point of time... i just can't see you as my boyfriend... during project time... you can't be my boyfriend... i've got to see you as a team mate... i've got to tell you what's wrong... even if it means i've got to be rude to you... after lab.. sure... i'll be the most polite girlfriend for you ever... i'll be the sweetest... but not during lab... project time is project time... you've got to be serious... you just got to know what the hell you're doing... even if it means missing a week or 2 of dota... seriously... and you can't take how i treated you in lab to outside lab... what happens in the lab is as team mates.. after that... yes.. you're my lover... you're my boyfriend... in lab... i really see you as just a team mate... and not a boyfriend... when lab is over... i treat you as my boyfriend... you really got to get that straight... cos it's making us unhappy... argh!!!! seriously!!!

Labels: boys tsk

sakae buffet dinner today... darn full... i'm bursting... i'm a camel for a day or so... the food i've eaten can last me for another.. it's really madness... muahahaha... but at least it's destressing us... making us feel more relax before D-day comes on saturday... =X

tomorrow's another of relaxing and more pictures? kekekekeke... i love taking pictures... especially with teddy... though he doesn't smile... somehow he doesn't smile right... but loves to him still... =) he makes me happy... even if he makes me cry or angry... =)

adious... bon nuit!

Honey why are you calling me so late
It's kinda hard to talk right now
Honey why are you crying is everything okay
I gotta whisper cause I can't be too loud

Well, my girls in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's funny that you're calling me tonight
And yes I've dreamt of you too
And does he know you're talking to me
Will it start a fight
No I don't think she has a clue

Well my girls in the next room
Sometimes I wish she was you
I guess we never really moved on

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those wordsa it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak
And I never wanna say goodbye
But girl you make it hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel (And I never wanna say goodbye)
But girl you make it so hard to be faithful
With the lips of an angel

Honey why are you calling me so late

lips of an angel... how true is the lyrics of the song to you darling... tell me when you see this... read the lyrics... and tell me the truth...

here's what i need now... you holding my hand... hugging me tight and telling me you love me and everything's gonna be just fine... could you do that sincerely?
*************************************************************************************
my facs seems to like giving philosophical RJs these days... and sometimes it just so tiring to think of writing something with substance and not seem like a sloppy RJ... sigh... school's making me go crazy... i really can't take it anymore sometimes... it just drains whatever there is left of me... plus things hasn't been going smoothly between him and me... the past 2 months have been tough months... school and relationship problems both coming my way at the same time... sigh.....

i was walking home just now and i thought... what if i had taken a different route from what i've taken... what if i didn't make that stupid mistake after i graduated from sec 4... what if i continued waiting... would things be very different now? would i be loving another guy that was once the one that could affect me?

but then again... i thought.. maybe i was meant to take this path... and be together with him... the one that makes me cry... laugh... smile... angry... the one i see myself with for a long long time then i have ever thought of... it's only 3months plus... yet it seems even longer than that and that i've been with him for god knows when... he makes me comfortable around him... where i can just be myself like when i'm home... that's how i see him in my eyes... yet i have uncertainties from the hauntings of his past and many other unpleasant thoughts... sigh... i just need more assurance from you again... could you give me that?

here's how sad my life is...

i can't get into uni....
i hate RP...
my grades sucks...
love life ain't as smooth as i thought it'll be...
final year project ain't going well...
high possibility of losing my boyfriend... be it me going overseas to study or the state we're in now... though i'm praying ubber hard that it won't come true...
i've very little friends who knows what i want and think...
my sisters are all academically better than me...
i'm the youngest... and the lousiest...

so there you have it... my sad life... or rather no life... i'm self-pitying myself... whatever... i ain't feeling right anymore... i'm no longer happy... i'm losing everything soon...

who's gonna be there for me when i need someone?

maybe disappearing and running away is the only solution after all..

i'm crumbling... that's what's happening to me now... crumbling into a bottomless pit of troubles... i'm alone... though i wish i wasn't... but that's all wishful thinking... no one's gonna pull me out of the pit... no more assurances... cos it's all gone... just gone... i'm a goner...

bye

back hurts... really badly... i can't turn... i can't bend... sitting is killing me... i need a lie down... but then again.. it'll prolly hurt too.. sigh... the worst thing is... it's only 1 side of my back... the left bottom side... aye... i'm getting old...

pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain...
=(((((((

i'm dying... dying of pain... and boredom... and stress and many other things...

i'm angry... and i do childish things... sue me...

go eat shit and swallow a cow till you choke and get constipation... go to the devil's place... no wait... even the devil doesn't want you... i hate you...

i'm didn't wanna come school actually... i was tired of school... tired of waking up so early... and going home... tired of travelling... tired of using my brain... tired of everything... but i still dragged myself out of bed and got myself to school and came on time... i have been coming on time the past few days... leaving the house before it turns bright... it's time that i started sleeping early... to accomodate all those early leaving of the house... i've almost miss the bus stop home a couple of times due to my totally tired mind... always last minute then realized i've reached... fatigue is eating me up... =(

lab management today wasn't so bad... it's prolly cos it's so related to what everyone's rushing now... report... yes... that dreaded pieces of paper with lots of words and explanation... it's making the most unlikely people in class late or not even turning up for school... that's how bad the situation of things have become... it's making everyone bonkers... cranky... stressed... tired... and quiet.... thankfully for alvin... he made us do a first draft way before deadline... that's why i've managed to hand in my report without much worrying about the deadline... =) and i've come to find that maybe arul isn't that bad after all... she's kinda helpful when she knew that we were all worried about our report that she decided to help us focus on it and gave us some pointers... =)

UT's bad today... i'll prolly fail this paper this time... i've got a D+ for the first one... =( proteo sucks... aye... i can imagine structural bio next sem.. i'll prolly just hang myself dead there... and please... no alvin as my faci... though he's my PI and he's wonderful... but i don't need my grades so sink any deeper... i need to just breeze through... =X bah... i hating school more and more... =((

for mr belly man to read... if he does read it...

you don't feel a need for or with anything around me... here's what i mean...
you see a need to game every night... yet you don't see a need to call me and just talk...
you see a need to play basketball every saturday... it's a routine you say... yet you don't see a need to go on a date with me on a weekend...
you see a need to go out with friends whenever they ask you to... yet you don't see a need to be out with me when i sometimes wish you would... your reason being you're tired... then tell me.. when are you never too tired? (it's the same thing all over again you say... i've explained you'll say... yet it's still happening...)
you see a need to think about food... yet you don't see a need to think about me...

we've talked about this... then you'll pacify me for a day after we've talk... do the things that i've been unhappy about... but after the day's over... you'll be back to the same thing again... i've become invisible again... like i don't exist... so now... i'm back to the same old question... how much do i really mean to you? if you could list 10 things/people according to priority... what number would i be? am i alone in this all the time? shouldn't i not be feeling alone? i thought you're supposed to be here to show me that i'm not alone anymore... yet i feel otherwise... attention from you is minimal... it's only when i start acting weird then you start paying attention to me... other than that... it's zilch attention.. if i went on a holiday... would you miss me lots and send me messages even though you know i won't be able to receive it till i get back? or would you just wait till i get back and wait for me to tell you that i'm back?

so many questions in me that i wanna ask... yet i never have the courage to do so... i'm scared... i'm scared to look at you... or let you see me... unless of course if we're somewhere dark... then i'll have the courage... cos then you can't see my face... and i can look you in the face and say all these without worry... and that would never happen cos we're always somewhere bright where i can never pluck up that courage... so now... i end up writing them here... for the non-concerned and hopefully the concerned to see and give me an answer... but that's all wishful thinking... cos you'll never appear here to see all these and give me an answer... i'm just dreaming...

Labels: all things minimal

i've been emo... real emo... so emo that everything around goes wrong... made myself unhappy... but of course he's never affected... somehow i'm the only one down and upset about us... and he sees nothing wrong with it... so i've decided... i shall come to terms with that...