i'm not happy at all... i'm far from being happy... distance is there already... and i'm already feeling tension... am i being oversensitive or is there seriously something wrong? nothing's going right anymore... it's not what it used to be... so much argument... so much doubts... will they be cleared? i do hope so... but somehow.. doubts are covered with even more doubts... deceiving and convincing... assurances being asked for time and time again... is this all right? something's wrong... terribly wrong... if only i dared say it out straight in words and not through here with thoughts keep running through my head over and over again... i said i was done talking things out... that i didn't want to talk things out anymore... but now... it seems worst... things get worst instead of better... this is all so wrong... so wrong from the very start of it... empty words comes out all the time... so much so that i'm tired of them and it's meaningless to me now... why am i feeling all these suddenly? ever since last week... ever since i saw those things that i shouldn't see... ever since i purposely acted nonchalent about what i knew and kept for a long time... now it's all coming out... it's all bursting like a volcano all ready to erupt... smiles are met everyday... but it's a smile to conceal all those tears that's inside... to cover those frightening thoughts that keeps forcing its way into my mind... struggling to push it all the way back... but it all just keeps coming back... when i'm alone... when i'm going to bed... when i'm walking home... sometimes even when together... it's like history repeating itself but this time... it's worse and the impact really hits me hard this time... the hold of the hands seems looser... the hugs seems less tight... ever so ready to let go... the sweetness of it all is gone... just ending the day on bad notes regularly...

please make it right again... smiling not to cover up anything... never-ending sweetness showered on me not just for show but for real... all negligence gone just like before getting together... no more doubts about anything... chasing all frightening thoughts far away from me... make me a happy girl once again...

i'm tired... so very tired...

Labels: sick of tears

i am supposed to be filling my log book now... and adding more stuff into that tattered book of mine with boring notes that i don't see any amusement in except lots of disappoint and no progress in my FYP... it's so darn frustrating to know that i am so way behind schedule and my colloquim is coming in 2 months or maybe less yet i've not done anything productive when i see other teams doing so well... i'm supposed to be very focused this year... i'm supposed to not be so slack and do well... yet what i've been planning to do is not working out... grades are bad... distractions everywhere... i'm going crazy... i'm so short tempered now and i'm not speaking up in class... here comes the snappy me again... and no one can help get rid of that snappiness in me for me...

i'm thinking of running away again... i'm thinking of isolating myself again... i hate to go school and come home after school... it's a routine everyday and i'm sick of it... it's always school home school home school and then home... that's all there ever is to it... i wanna be somewhere else other than those 2 places... but where's there to go? aye... girlfriend... please fly back as soon as possible... then i can go somewhere and play instead of going home after school everyday... it's boring me to death... i'm becoming super boring... i'm becoming a bore... i can't bring myself to smile so much anymore... =( so yes... i'm stressed... have been stressed ever since i realized that i don't know what i'm doing... why i'm doing... where i'm going... the future's a blur now... and i'm panicking... and panicking is not a good sign... i was certain of the path i was going to take... so sure how the future would be like... but now... i ain't sure about anything... and crying has been so frequent these days... i would just feel like crying for no reason... darn... i'm becoming weak... fighting to be strong is tiring... i can't be strong anymore... but i can't be weak either... sigh... it's tough living... there's no easy way out... why can't it be like the cartoons... where there's fairy godparents to make all these doubts disappear and make me a happier person again... i hate growing up... =((

i realized i haven't been blogging about happy stuff... then again... there isn't any to blog about... so why bother trying to think of any happy stuff... oh right... there is a couple of things... girlfriend's coming home soon in a few weeks time... 18th june!!! hurrays!!! and another is... the 2nd is coming with me and boyfriend... =) now that's some happy thing... for me at least...

Labels: BASC i peace with you just FREAKING DON'T DIE AGAIN bugger

i'm done waiting...
i've given up hoping for any initiation...
i'm not gonna take any said words seriously ever again...
i'm done giving in...
i've enough of sorries that don't solve anything...
i'm done... just done...

what's the point of talking things out when nothing changes... what's the point of the sorries when nothing seems to be solved... maybe i'm just too unreasonable and ridiculous... maybe i'm really making trouble out of nothing... but it's time to start reflecting... sure... you're initiative... in always joining the crowd... neglecting me... giving me empty words... and it's not just once you did that... it's over and over and over again... my temper's weird? that's cos i don't know what to do when i'm always gettng disappointed time and time again... and so i start having weird tempers... maybe it's an excuse to you... but think about it... just go think about it...

what's love... all those claims of love... is it really there? maybe just a small little amount... a tiny one... that's why all these actions are made... my bad... i kept my hopes too high... 1month's short... but shouldn't it be the honeymoon period? shouldn't there not be any negligence but more attention instead? shouldn't there not be empty words said yet?

this is pathetic... i'm ranting my relationship problems for everyone to see... but i can't contain it in myself any longer... i just so tired of all these empty talks and words and sorries and yet i have no way of putting it across cos i know that unhappiness will start stirring and before i know it... what i really treasure would be gone... in a blink... kaput... gone... poof... but keeping mum isn't going to help is it? it's gonna bug me... then things will just get worse... either way.... nothing comes out right...

i'm worrying about too many things... projects... school... grades... now relationship... will worries ever go away? i need a break... a break from worries... why can't things worry-free... especially relationships... why can't it be sweet like before we got together... where you will wanna spend time with me instead of the negligence i'm receiving now...

i give up... i'll let things be... what's the point of trying so hard to work things out and having disappointments always and all i get is being back at square one... i give up... i'll give my love... and pray that thing will be right again... someday...

Labels: that cold negligence