i'm not happy at all... i'm far from being happy... distance is there already... and i'm already feeling tension... am i being oversensitive or is there seriously something wrong? nothing's going right anymore... it's not what it used to be... so much argument... so much doubts... will they be cleared? i do hope so... but somehow.. doubts are covered with even more doubts... deceiving and convincing... assurances being asked for time and time again... is this all right? something's wrong... terribly wrong... if only i dared say it out straight in words and not through here with thoughts keep running through my head over and over again... i said i was done talking things out... that i didn't want to talk things out anymore... but now... it seems worst... things get worst instead of better... this is all so wrong... so wrong from the very start of it... empty words comes out all the time... so much so that i'm tired of them and it's meaningless to me now... why am i feeling all these suddenly? ever since last week... ever since i saw those things that i shouldn't see... ever since i purposely acted nonchalent about what i knew and kept for a long time... now it's all coming out... it's all bursting like a volcano all ready to erupt... smiles are met everyday... but it's a smile to conceal all those tears that's inside... to cover those frightening thoughts that keeps forcing its way into my mind... struggling to push it all the way back... but it all just keeps coming back... when i'm alone... when i'm going to bed... when i'm walking home... sometimes even when together... it's like history repeating itself but this time... it's worse and the impact really hits me hard this time... the hold of the hands seems looser... the hugs seems less tight... ever so ready to let go... the sweetness of it all is gone... just ending the day on bad notes regularly...

please make it right again... smiling not to cover up anything... never-ending sweetness showered on me not just for show but for real... all negligence gone just like before getting together... no more doubts about anything... chasing all frightening thoughts far away from me... make me a happy girl once again...

i'm tired... so very tired...

Labels: sick of tears