supposed to be refining my proposal and protocol for alvin later but apparently i'm not doing so... i can't focus... i'm so lost in my own world and thoughts and just wanna go play my hearts out till i drop dead and then be back to do my FYP happily again... but obviously things ain't gonna be that way... sigh...

chalet was on from monday to wednesday.. it's a fun chalet... until i got drunk... now that really ain't fun... in fact it's kinda embarrassing... i'm not supposed to get wasted... = anyhoo... i got wasted and had lots of videos of me being silly... and i really wanna bury myself whever they're playing the videos... it really isn't very nice to see... i'm shy okay... hahaha... by the end of the chalet... i was dead tired... i slept throughout wednesday the moment i got home... and went to bed ubber early... like 9 plus... really really early... and of course in the end i woke up ubber early too... but it got boring to be up early in the morning that i went back to sleep... haha... so that's how i wasted my day... hahahaha... bad thing though... i came back with lots of bruises... and it's really ugly... =( they're gonna take at least a week to go away... =( ugly hands...

i'm not very sure if i've fallen... it's very complicating that i don't even know what i should make out of it... i'm refusing to let history repeats itself... i'm refusing to admit that something is happening... i'm having a phobia... i'm quite mixed up now... yet i know i must pretend that there won't be anything happening... let's just say i'm insecure about myself... i don't trust myself enough to sink any deeper... i can't leave my comfort zone... i just can't bear to know that history will repeat itself... i like to be in denial... i wanna be in denial... it'll past... somehow... hopefully... or maybe when there's finally an affirmation then i can start stepping out... till then i wanna deny whatever there is that i can... i will not fall... maybe just stumble... but i can't fall... i'm a goner if i fell... i know i'll be...
deny deny deny deny deny deny deny deny deny deny deny deny deny

cottage with a flower bed in front and beach at the back and an orchard by the side of the house and an oak tree with a tree house and a diy swing attached to it around the front of the house... a barnyard just a few miles down just enough to go riding every morning... is that what all girls dream houses are like? i'll have many girls fighting with me for land then... yikes... i like the suburbian life... why does most girls like that too... oh wells... shows that i'm just a typical girl... time to have a change of dream houses... =)

Labels: hardest bling blings are what i need now